It’s almost 2:30 in the morning, I’m wide awake, I have class at 9 am, and I’m no where near ready to go to sleep. These past couple of weeks have had a real toll on me; trying to figure out who I am or who I’m supposed to be and what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I’m such an indecisive person when it comes to even the littlest things. I weight the pros and cons of everything to try to figure out what is the best decision for me and what is going to ultimately make me the happiest I can be, but I never make a sound choice that I am completely satisfied with. Recently I’ve been questioning my major and if it is really the right path for me. I have decided to take a completely different route in hopes of it targeting more of what I am interested in. This scares me a lot because my major has been communications for the past two years and now I’ve randomly decided to switch to Kinesiology which might as well be a polar opposite. I just feel like this path will satisfy more of who I am and what I am interested in and even though the journey will be more difficult I’m hoping that it will be worth it in the end. I am willing to do anything as long as it makes me able to wake up every morning and think “I really love and enjoy what I am doing to contribute to this world.” I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, like I have no purpose except to exist. This is a new feeling to me because I have always been a part of something, whether it be gymnastics, cheer, soccer, or volunteering, I’ve always been a part of something bigger than me. I need to find that thing that is going to make me feel like I have purpose again because I haven’t felt that in a long time. Everything is changing so fast and I can barely keep up. Don’t get me wrong; I have an amazing family, support system, friends who would be there for me through anything, and what I believe to be, a good head on my shoulders. But for some reason that’s not enough. I’m not trying to sound greedy, but I just feel like there’s so much more out there, so many experiences that I’m missing out on because I’m afraid to go out of my comfort zone. We only have one life to live and believe it or not, 100 years may sound like a lot, but I’m not stupid, I know it goes by like a sports car on the autobahn. I just want to be able to look back on my life when I’m 80 and know that I did everything I could, took every chance that was given to me, and said yes to every good experience that was sent my way. I don’t want to take my life for granted. We might have been dealt a certain hand of cards, but whether we decide to bet on that hand or not is completely up to us and I am willing to bet everything I have to eventually find my place and my purpose in this world.
“You will be stupid. You will worry your parents. You will question your own choices, your relationships, your jobs, your friends, where you live, what you studied in college, that you went to college at all… If that happens, you’re doing it right.”—
So it’s 6 am, the sun is rising, and I am wide awake due to a combination of insomnia, anxiousness, and the discomfort of sleeping in my own apartment. This is the time when my “what ifs” come out, when everything I’ve ever experienced in my life flashes through my head and I think of all the different scenarios that could have occurred and how they might have effected the way my life is at this moment. My life is a mixture of good and bad decisions, surprises, triumphs, failures, laughter, tears, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Lately I have realized that I am coming to that point in my life where I am going to have to start making some of the most important decisions for my future, that’s pretty frightening. I’m already an extremely indecisive person because I try to weigh the pros and cons of every possibility, but end up being more confused than before. One big decision I am going to have to make soon is my career path. I have yet to grasp the idea of doing one thing as a job for the rest of my life. That puts a lot of pressure on me to make sure I choose something that I can live with every day. I have yet to find something I am truly passionate about. I want to be able to wake up morning after morning loving what I do and knowing that it is the best possible choice for me and the life I want to live. I am hoping that this year will be the year that I figure all of that out. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I have the a wonderful family that will support no matter what, amazing friends that will help me get through the tough times, and the determination to figure out my purpose in life and to make the most of what I have. For now I will continue to keep my head on straight and know with hard work and dedication I can achieve anything.
“The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love, and express their love in every action. They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe.”—